Forgiveness is realising that what you thought happened didn’t

November 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

 

“I stepped into an avalanche,
it covered up my soul;
when I am not this hunchback that you see,
I sleep beneath the golden hill.
You who wish to conquer pain,
you must learn, learn to serve me well.”
 

With the method of inquiry that I’ve recently deepened at Byron Katie’s school for the work, I am continuing to uncover all those concepts that had formed an identity of who I was.

I’m not sure what I think about anything these days. And the main reason is that I’m questioning all my previously uninvestigated thoughts. This Leonard Cohen song keeps coming back into my head: “I stepped into an avalanche” and that could have been me a year ago. I stepped into an avalanche.

And what is miraculous is that in fleeting moments I wonder if I haven’t loved my “enemies”, and if that is where the pain comes from.  It is the pain of false separation, Katie would say.   And what I find is that every time I have hated someone, I have noticed inside myself a self-hatred just as strong, and that is the truer pain: separation from the self.   The outer world is only a mirror.  With inner love, where it all begins, the outer world is surprisingly peaceful and innocent.

It doesn’t mean to become a doormat.  We notice that we move away from what doesn’t feel right.  We love ourselves so much that we don’t want to hurt ourselves anymore.

I have begun to long for you,
I who have no greed;
I have begun to ask for you,
I who have no need.
You say you’ve gone away from me,
but I can feel you when you breathe.
 

I have skipped a few lines and come to my favourite part of the song.  Coming back to what’s true:  “I can feel you when you breath”. That’s what is happening right here in this moment, and the one who is breathing is also the one who is being breathed.

Do not dress in those rags for me,
I know you are not poor;
you don’t love me quite so fiercely now
when you know that you are not sure,
it is your turn, beloved,
it is your flesh that I wear.

There was no hunchback, only the Beloved.

 

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